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April 19th, 2003

12:51 am - The Grasso Street Angel
I forgot what I was going to say...I had it all planned out, too. It was important stuff, not just what I do all the time and what new havor Mr. Martin is wreaking on the chorus students...

You know what? I had a dream where Alex sent me a package and it had a letter in it, and it was like the movies where you hear the persons voice as you read the letter except I was talking to him and he seemed very angry and frusterated.
He said he lived somewhere in Tipikit (somewhere beginning with a t and lots of i's and it was just like that. And it was over by where GA comes to a point before it goes kinda down and thewres a coast. Thats where Tipikit was) now, and I asked how he got to school and then he started talking about stupid busses and how there were always too many poeple and the he growled. It was weird.
Then they said that they were moving his family to like Virginia, or South Carolina. And I said, but you said you wouldn't move anywhere until after highschool, and then I can't remember anything...Just him being angry and me waking up. Hmm hmm. This is like Funky dream Spring time.

Torrie says I'm claimed. Just like that girl who is dating Shane Stever, and shes not supposed to because Torrie claimed her. she says that's why I can't go out with anyone, because I'm claimed. "I don't have any feelings for you, but you're claimed." quote unqoute. Thats odd, I think. Lemme just say. One I couldn't ever date anyone, I wouldn't have a clue. There has to be a first time for everything, but it'd be wicked awkward. Two I've never been claimed before. Torrie is odd.

I had this other funky dream with this actually Jurassic Park Park (curse Alex!! and PJ and Roper!) and then this whole noir CB thing that ended in a bunch of Star Trek, DS9, and Janeway, and some Vulcans, all talking and the whole Syndicate just staring at them. I told most of it to Gabby. That was a biggo viggo dream.

I figured out that when I think, I may look sad, or think abut things that are sad, but I'm not all sad over it, I'm just peaceful. I figured it out last weekend. I figure I'll tell Gabby next time we're all serious, or I remember.

"And people wonder why I prefer drifting off to the dreamlands to being in this world."
Jilly Coppercorn
The Onion Girl, by Charles de Lint

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April 11th, 2003

03:58 pm - West Gate Documents
West Gate: Day One, Monday

We drove about one hour from Grammy’s house in Melbourne to Orlando. Quotes my Dad, “We left the relative safety of Grammy’s house to come here,” unquote. While we were driving I became really aware of how the whole world is like a density column. The dense earth and its crust is like the high fructose corn syrup, and we and our structures the maple syrup, and the air is the water, and then the clouds are like the oil floating on the very top on the water. Florida is nice and flat that way. There are cows and trees and clouds too look at. Not to mention that this is pretty much the only place that you can get away with bright pink, and yellow buildings. It’s not every day you come across a pink and green Embassy Suites. But anyways. So we’re driving up four remembering, and boosh! There appears the West Gate area.

blahbalaspeech, read the rest hereCollapse )
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: Moondance, Van Morrison

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April 6th, 2003

10:13 pm - Sing It Sweet Molly Malone
Ok *breaths* Grammy walked out of her room and then this huge spider is following her and it goes under the table to me and I just up and shriek. But she squished it. It was huge. It almost touched me!!!!!!

Ok so now.

At Grammy's house as noted earlier-Oh now she says she should have let the spider run up my legs. -_- Her and Dad are discssing how bad I would have freaked and why didn't the cats get it because cats love bugs. Whatever.

Ok, we drove here yesterday. Seven hours and 52 minutes driving, nine altogether. We got here at about 10:30. I got to sllep on the fouton on Grammy's porch. Much cooler than being inside lemme say.

It took me five tries before I remembered my password to get in here. Because I am usually automatically logged on, you know, like the forever setting. Anyways we were talking about movies at dinner (we went to the Super Flea, olo, flea market in Melborun and saw that and went to Walmart and got pants since my other ones got a hole in them, but Grammy fixed them and shes going to hem the pair I got tomorrow before we leave for the condo place in Orlando) and (Spirited Away is soooooo goood!!!!) Dad goes "Hey maybe Cowboy Bebop is coming to somewhere down here." and so I'm like Computerrr!! Dad where'd ya hide it? heeh so we got that all set up. Its not. And its only a limited release. It might come to Atlanta or somewhere later. I hope so.

So we're going to go to the Westgate place tomorrow and then Tuesday is Islands of Adventure/Universal (YES!!!!!) Wednesday is Water Mania (ehh but still cool) and then possibly Busch Gardens (OH YEA!) and check out and then Friday we come back to Grammys. Yay! I love being here so much.

Oooooo, I went to the Show Choir performance on Friday. Wait!! Ashley let me borrow four CCS dvds and I coldn't find the dvd player remote so I couldn't put on the subtitles. -_- I could tell kinda what was going on though. I know little bit of Japanese so it was oki. When everyone goes around saying Ohio its good morning and Kawaii is cute and onii-chan is big brother and o something is father Li-kun and Tomoyo-san are their nmes duh and Konnichiwa is like good afternoon and hello. And hi is yes and ok and such all over the place. And so then later we found the remote and put the subtitles on so that was good.
I went and saw the Show Choir performance, but by far the best thing was Brendan when he did New York State of Mind by Billy Joel. Oh man, oh man, oh MAN. This is the fastest I have ever liked someone and then not liiked them anymore and then liked someone else. Most of my crushes last for...a couple of years...
Some folks like to get away
Take a holiday from the neighborhood
Hop a flight to Miami Beach or to Hollywood
Well I'm taking a Greyhound on a Hudson River line
I'm in a New York state of mind

I seen all the movie stars and their fancy cars and thir limousinses
Been high in the Rockies and the evergreens
I know what I need
And I dont wanna waste more time
I'm in a New York state of mind

It was so easy living day by day
Out of touch with the rythem and blues,
But now I need a little give and take
The New York Times, the daily news
It comes down to reality
And its fine with me cause I bet its life
I don't care if its Chinatown or on Riverside
I don't have any reasons
I left them all behind
I'm in a New york state of mind

It was so easy living day by day
Out of touch with the rhythm and blues,
But now I need a a little give and take
The New York Times, the daily news

It comes down to reality
And its fine with me cause I bet its life
I don't care if its Chinatown or on Riverside
I don't have any reasons
I left them all behind
I'm in a New york state of mind

I'm just taking a Greyhound on the Hudson River line
Cause I'm in a New York state of mind
It was great. His hands flew over the keys. I hadn't heard that song in years. Billy and my childhood dreams were singing with him. He, I dunno, he could grow up and be something great I mean really great for real, I can tell. I've seen many people live, but none of them ever made me believe what they were singing. The song and man it was perfect. He put so much feeling into it. If I'm not in love with him, then at least he's my new hero.

Whats up with Alex? He's never online anymore and we don't talk much, but he lent me The Lost World, but whats up? I meant to ask him why he was never on anymore on Friday, but I forgot. He probably changed s/ns so he didn't have to deal with me anymore. Wouldn't be surprised.

Had food day on Friday and I brought starburst jelly beans and Hersheys Kisses. They Jelly Beans were all gone in a half an hour. Everone practically jumped on them, just like Andy. Hehe. :D

Gabby thinks that Brendan is long term crushworthy, and is glad I like someone whose not so silly she says. Her and me talked 'til like 2:45 on Friday hehe I looked around on Amazon.com and came up with a list of the mangas and books I wanted. I have to do lots of ouse work. -_- I only have twenty seven pennies. I'm chewing on my headphone cord.

!!!! I called Gabby! It was so much fun! I called like four different times. ^^;; It made me so hyper and I made up stuff to sing to her it was fun. I was supposed to be in bed so the whole time I was trying to be quiet, and listeing to things at her house and we were talking and laughing. It was the most fun I've had talking to someone on the phone in a bit. I'ma call her again asap and I'll have to giver her my number. Hehe, I have the number to her Mom's house and her Dad's house. She'll only need Mom's number when I go up this summer. I dont think I'll be able to get online while were at the condo place, but thats ok. I'll miss Gabby and Kelly and all, but I'll have stuff to explore pools to swim in(YES! if there's anything I love more than riding my brike and rollerblading its swimming) and books to read.

Wow. This year is almnost over I can't believe it. I'll have been here two years in August. You know I didn't really feel like a highschooler until second semester. Its weird. I've been thinking a lot lately, more depressing stuff than usual. Its whats on my mind. I'll figure it out soon. I'll talk to Orion or Gabby, they always help. Its been a LONG time since I talked to him.

Summer is so close and I'm so ready I can taste it. It tasdtes good ^__^ Must push and make good grades (I usually do, but I wanna go for a high B in math this semester since I suck so bad it it -_-) and then boosh it'll be summer.

Social life is ok. School is good. Home life is ok. The whole thing with Mom and moving has settled down. Mental health is ok, I realize that I've changed since last year. I haven't been my version of normal for a LONG time. What with moving and liking Alex, but I wont be so...whatever I have become. I'll be a mix. New me and old me.

I feel very old and very very young all the time. I feel like I should be sitting in a velvet chair and a robe reading books and dispensing advice and knowledge, and at the same time running and dancing and laughing and never sad all the time at the same time. Must find balance.

*hugs to K, Lynz, Gabby, people at the board, and everyone at school!! Special Glomps to Andy and David since they're not used to them* Hehe, David was like wtf is a glomp and wtf did you do it?! the first time. Hee, it was funny.

Olo!! So thats all life is good, I hope yours is too.

Cause I'm in a New York state of mind.
Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: New York State of Mind and that Love Hina thing :)

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March 18th, 2003

07:59 pm - Dont Wake Me From The Dream, Its Really Everything It Seemed
No crush anymore! None! Non! Freeee! Hence the Mai Yamane lyerics. ^__^ Well, it doen't make sense, but I really like that line. And she sings freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, a lot. Its a very powerful song. Gabby's new theory explains everything mucho betero. Her best phrase to date.

Picked up Psychohistorical Crises again. Couldn't sleep, so I started reading it again. I usually only read that stuff in the summer where I have all the time to be as absorbed as I want, but oh well. I should have read the Foundation Trilogy by Asimov, but I'm do it backwards. I started the first part of it, and decieded, no, how about later? And picked up Psychohistorical Crises by DOnald Kingsbury instead.

Mr. Matrin wehn over the 4 measures of Alleluia where on the ending note whe have 4 part harmony (really 5 but I think he's skipping on the botton note of the second line in the set). First he was going to have sops split up into three parts. Third row sops as the top note, top line, second row as the second note on the first line, and first row as the top note second line. But the second row sops couldn't get their notes, and he was chewing them out about it. I felt bad for them.
So he split Candice and me to the top note top line, and Lani, Jessica, and this girl to the second note first line. And then he put the seven remaining sops on the top note second line and they still couldn't get it together. He goes we have two sopranos out singing seven! And in a way that was a complement and at the same time I felt bad for being good and making them look bad. I hate that. He took Autnum out of the altos and added her to the seven and taught the other altos the note on the third line. We sounded pretty good altogether.
Merrp. Candice was wondering why I didn't sing as loud as I could and I go because if we do then we'll drown out everyone else! Being told to back off is a compliment. Oioi. We both had a good laugh at that one. Shes always giving 120%. And only 100% When shes told top back off. Shes a great singer. I could have melted into the seat when he said he'd have Candice and me on the top note. ^__^

Gabby's Mom was having a I dunno what but her parents got in a fight, and now shes off with her Mom. Her Mom kidnapped her. I was like how can she? Its the middle of the week! And Gabby was like I know. And its not the first time it happened. She said last itme it happened they went to Glouchester. It happened once to Robby and me. Mom pulled us out of school the morning after a huge fight with Dad and drove all the way up to Corinna and stayed at Aunty Diane's house and stayed until almost Monday. You can't do a thing.

Aside form worring about that, I'm good. N-n-n-n-ooo crush anymore! Mucho betero. Open windows! ^__^

Later Kiddies!

Never seen a bluer sky...
Current Music: Behind Blue Eyes, The Who Breath In, Frou Frou

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March 15th, 2003

11:54 pm - To Remember The Good Things
Gabbers166: Dada Dadda
Gabbers166: heehee
Gabbers166: would you like a lamp?
Yortag13: yes
Yortag13: olo!
Gabbers166: olo!
Yortag13: talking to Alllexx the dude
Gabbers166: ooohhh im writing about him right now
Yortag13: you arrrre?
Gabbers166: yessssssss
Gabbers166: to rryyyyyyyyyyyyy
Gabbers166: he says youre sweet
Yortag13: who Ry?
Yortag13: why?
Gabbers166: I try to be nice to all girls! That?s what chivalry is, isn?t it? I hope
Blookie thinks boys are nicer because I?m so nice! Of course, I?m not like
most boys, so... bleh. I hope Blookie gets the boy she loves, because she
deserves him very very much! Wow, my age too! Is he like me, like a writer
or something, or is he like a big sports jock? Aww, hee, huggy huggy
Blookie! That?s so sweet! She wants to touch his hair? Is it all long or
something? Hee, I love you too, ever so much Gabby! *hugs and kisses* 15,000
words is a bunch, but nothing compared to the whole story: 73,000 words!
That?s a whole bunch! I?m the only author that has two 40,000+ word storys
in the Cowboy Bebop section! I rock! There are 16 stories in that section
longer than 40,000 words, and I?ve got two of ?em. Hee, Blookie has one! Are
you gonna write a long epic story someday? I was so glad to be able to see
you. I love you! ^_^ Happy happy happy I love you SO MUCH! ^_^ *hugs and
kisses* I LOVE YOOOOOOOOU! I hope you have a miracle! I?d miss you for two
weeks... I?d miss ya a lot!
Gabbers166: in our letter
Gabbers166: im writing back
Gabbers166: took me long enough
Gabbers166: brb
Yortag13: AWWWWW!
Yortag13: Super AWWWWW!
Gabbers166: what?
Yortag13: AWWWW!
Gabbers166: wha?
Yortag13: the thing!
Yortag13: Ry!
Yortag13: AWWWW
Yortag13: olo!
Gabbers166: hrm?
Yortag13: hes so AWWWWW
Yortag13: ^___^ meepers
Gabbers166: whhhhhhhhha?
Yortag13: just waff-ness in general
Gabbers166: waff?????
Yortag13: warm and fuzzy feelings!
Gabbers166: hm
Yortag13: ^__^
Gabbers166: heehee... ^.^
Yortag13: Dddccc
Gabbers166 wants to directly connect.
Gabbers166 is now directly connected.
Yortag13: mooka moooka
Gabbers166: mooka?

{insert loong copy and pasted thing here}

Yortag13: mooka moooka even Ry asks about ALex now. I should stooop talking
Gabbers166: cause i spent like a whole paragraph in my last letter talking about you and him ^.^
Yortag13: Olo!
Gabbers166: Yep, I reviewed! She was sad? Aw... we're still friends, and I really didn't
wanna make Blookiebergness sad... but I'ma glad she's feeling better now!
Yay, Blookie has a boyfriend! She's really sweet, I knew she's find somebody
soon! Blookie is a great writer! Almost if not as good as I am! And I hope
Blookie's new lovah likes her back soon! Well, guess he's not her lovah yet!
But he will be, right? Ah, Blookie shouldn't think that! When she told me
she liked me I was very very flattered! She's really nice and a great pal
and my second choice for a girlfriend besides you! ^_^ I hope this new guy
comes to his senses soon! Is he online or is he one of Blookie's real life
friends? Christopher? Christopher who? Hee hee! And I didn't listen to the
guy, because what he was saying obviously didn't apply to me, because I
passed. ^_^ And I've gotten lotsa hugs but no kissies yet! But you'll always
be my super-duper number one lover always and always and forever! ^_^ *hugs
and kisses Gabby*
Gabbers166: see?
Yortag13: you SHOULD write an epic because then we can be in the section together!
Gabbers166: that was like a letter before last
Gabbers166: oh yes, but i have to think of something to write
Gabbers166: and then write it
Gabbers166: and actually have creativity
Gabbers166: THATS the hard part
Yortag13: AWWW!
Yortag13: I need ta poooost thiiiiiis
Gabbers166: what?
Yortag13: Gabby wab I unblocked Rob person
Gabbers166: post what where why???
Gabbers166: you did?
Gabbers166: is he on?
Yortag13: so I can remember the good things people think of me
Gabbers166: olo
Yortag13: and no but he was on and off all over the place
Gabbers166: who?
Yortag13: Rob dude
Gabbers166: oh
Gabbers166: i dun think he wants to talk anyways
Yortag13: neither do i
Yortag13: I just thought that I should
Gabbers166: take him off your buddy
Gabbers166: list
Yortag13: how?
Gabbers166: take him off
Gabbers166: just delete his name
Gabbers166: and i need to go
Gabbers166: if you go to the board tell ry i said hi
Yortag13: ok byebye
Gabbers166: see ya

Gabby and I are absolutly nuts. I can't wait to see her this summer. I'm gonna laugh so hard and so much I can already feel it. Its a nice tingly feeling ^__^ And this is here so I can come back she see some of the good things people think of me. the other things are on my wall and in the desk drawers.
Current Mood: crazycrazy
Current Music: In The End, Linkin Park

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March 14th, 2003

09:17 pm - Thats Life
I forgot what I really wanted to write about. It was something important.

I was reading a column on ff.n. And it was a very good one. I wanted to reply to the columnist, but suddenly it seemed pointless because it only meant something to me. And only might have meant something back. And thats how I don't say most of the really meaningful things I want to say. Its because I don't think the people I'll speak to will understand. Whenever I have said anything very meaningful or profound, or that came straight from deep in me it was brushed aside as meaningless, that I was a child and I can't speak, and think that way. I can't feel like that.
Thats a load of horse manure.
So I just tend not to say things like that anymore. Would you?

Oh now I remember. My brothers teacher has recommended that he see a counselor. She said that sometimes he'll just sit in class and cry. And since she cares about her students, that news has made it's way home. He told Dad that he missed Mom. I think...I think he still needs a Mom. It happened when he was seven. When Mom and Dad weren't there for him I was. And during most of that I wasn't there for him. I was caught up in my own world of hurt and pain and thought that he was too young to comprehend fully the situation. Because of that and his age its effected him totally different. Its made him cling to her and more spoiled. For me I just learned of betrayal and it separated my Mother and me permanently. He still needs a Mom.
Thank god I have control over what I feel most of the time and how I show or don't show it, or I would have been to a counselor years ago.

I showed Gabby the vids and pics I took of kids at school. I took some vid of Alex C., Michael, and Patrick in sixth period. And she thought that ALex C. was Alex alex. She was like I feel enlightened. I was like Why? She said its because I always talk about him and then boosh there he is. Well, needless to say I got a HUGE kick out of that. I was laughing. I was torn between telling her or not telling her which Alex that was. Of course I told her that that was not Silly Man Alex. She didn't think that ALex C. was my type anyways. Little does she know that christopher was a skater! ^__^ *sigh* Oh Christopher. Anyways. I fall or guys with brains and eyes. I'ma dork and know it. Oh well.

One scary thing. Andy come into fourth period to bug me and sits on the desk in front of me and we talk or play cards (I learned how to play Egyptian Rat Screw![I think it sounds better as Wrassle XP] Go me! But even before I knew I could kick butt without knowing how. Cheng hits really hard on the doubles though, my god the kids gonna break someones hand someday.) And Nick was sitting on the desk across from us and he goes, Are you two going out? We both simutanieously answer(probably not spelled right) No. And then he goes, Oh. I just knew that you two were friends last year. Weird, because we weren't really. We barely talked until the last day when I played against him in checkers in Lit, and he wrote in my yearbook.

Every time I take one of Mr. Lapolla's test I get better and learn more. Thats like the first time since what, fifth grade when I LEARNED from a test instead or using it to TEST my knowledge.

Alex gave me wonderful book. I finished it when I got home today. Its called Gravity by Tess Gerritsen. Absolutly gruesome. *gags* Seriously. But its great. It made me cry when they blew Luther out of the sky though. I'm sitting in my desk in Lapolla's with little tears trickling down my nose. I also gave my math book to Whitney and I don't think I ever got it back. So um thats not good.

Torrie is glad that her boy toy loves her. Mr. Martin put me on this high, extended, Oo part in As Long As I Have Music. I think I can do it. I know I can. And I'll do it at least satisfactorily. And maybe be good at it too. Problem is I'm a hypocrite. I know he put me on it because I'm good, and I think so too. But them my modesty kicks in and all my mistakes and...anyways so all that comes around and I wonder aloud why he put me there, though I really know.

Thats all for now. Too much as is.
Later Kiddies.
Current Mood: dorkydorky
Current Music: These Girls Are Crazy, Newfound Glory

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March 12th, 2003

06:25 pm - To Orion
Ok, I know I can't stop doing any one of thoes things, like I could make my hair be red. All thoes things are apart of me, but ok. I was really depressed. But on to being happy!

I brought my camera to school and took pictures of Torriea, Andy and Dustin and Lauren, and Matt and Ross on the bus, and Patrick and ALex and TJ and Michael in sixth period, and PJ too. I took videos of Candice, Lani, Sara, and Jessica in chorus. Savanna wanted me to take a picture of her posterior, I was like O.o ok. So she leaned over and I did. It was...odd. Then showed her and everyone on the bus the picture and omigoodness it was so funny.
I took pictures of Scott and Sean. Got some video of Matthew whacking this bottle while he was talking to Savanna in all his ROTC suited glory. Olo it was funny. Patrick and Alex were having a blast with it in sixth period.
Today was Dustin's birthday, and he bought a candle from the fund raiser the chorus is doing. (scent: Rain and it blue. I dun think that that one smells all that great, but hey.) He asked me what the cranberry one smelled like and I went, like cranberries. It was funny. Dustin eats lunch with PJ, Melissa, Andy and I now. Mr. Martin is bent on getting that baby grand. Andy videoed some kids in my fourth period his class is right next to mine so he comes in and bugs me. I deleted it because I was in it.

The nie thing about having a moblie for my last class is that I go straight from Mr. Popo's class out to moblie four for my last period and I can walk really slow and enjoy the day. Its been really nice lately. On the bus on the way out of school we saw this girl who had left her books on TOP of her car. We opned wiondows and tried to tell her, but Miss Cheri (our bus driver) said, the car infrom of her tried to tell her, and so did the car in back of her. If she wants to be stupid then let her. she got down the hill then up and when she stopped behind a bus for the light all of it finally fell of all over the road. I kinda felt bad for her, but not much. We laughed SO hard. she stopped and picked up the book and that was it. She left all her work and binders and everything.

I was watching this kid with dark hair and eyes who sits in fromt of Mirvad in first period as he drew. I dunno what his name is. He looks like a Matt or a Joshua. (Just like Ryan was born to be an Alex, I swear he was. And Tommy Lee was born to be a Zack.) Anyways. I was talking to Michelle and she said, I'm tired of people liking me! I said, who? Because the only person I had known that liked her was Alex. and she goes John, Mirvad, ______ (I can't remember the kids name), and Alex. I was like Oh. But isn't it nice to know that you're liked? And she said I guess.
Personally I think she likes John. She asked me about him, if I had seen him in science and such. Hehe. John was very , I dunno today. He crushed up a dandelion and taped the gook up and was smelling it and talking to me non-stop while Mr. Popo was writing stuff about simple machines. You know what? Dustin has light eyes like Mr. Popo, Andy's eyes are brown with a green ring, Amanda has lime green eyes(they look almost yellow)! I know soo many people with cool eyes! I wish I had cool eyes too. I also wish I had beautiful curly red hair, but THATS never gonna happen.

We're learning this REALLY sad song in science called 'When I Am Silent'. It was written by a girl in Aushwitz and a woman found the poem and set it to music. Its so sad. We've only gone throught the first two lines:

Who will sing my song when I am silent
Who will count the colors of the dawn

I think if I could sing one song to someone it'd be that one.

Today I went to David, brb, I gotta see a man about a horse. and he went Cool! It was so funny. He thought I actually was.
Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
Current Music: Goodnight Julia, Seatbelts

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05:35 pm - To Orion
You know what? That whole thing is quite over with, you know? So I should just stop worrying and wondering. Because its obviously done and one sided. My side. And I think that maybe I am even starting to care less and less. I think too muuch, care too much, and I should just stop. Its not healthy. I've thought so much lately. About everyone and everything. I've changed. So much has happened. I don't like the way I changed. Especially the way I am when I am around my friends. Every year I look back on the past year and think, "God, was I stupid." Every year. Everything, all of this, it seems quite futile to try. So why do I keep trying? Why? Its never done any good. I just...I dunno. Candice has cancer. I found out today. Shes the second person I've known who had cancer. She colored her hair like five different colors with permanent marker. She wanted the both of us to sign up for the teacher/student talent show and get a teacher and sing to him. I was like Candice I think the teacher has to have a talent too. She was like Oh.
Some people don't know how to be people or enjoy anything. I should stop dreaming and believeing. It just hurts too much sometimes. And especially when I have to be happy for people or they'll ask questions and I can't stand that. I can't make myself understood. Drives me insane. And people or more like a person, you know who I mean Orion, when its a good day and they can't smile and talk and laugh and be happy. Well why not?!?! My goodness. I can't WAIT to take art in two years. or no wait I can't. I have to take a technology class... that or quit chorus. I mean yea I know I'm a secret drama queen, but that dosen't stop me from trying to be happy. I swear.
Later Orion.

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February 27th, 2003

08:49 pm - I Don't Know If I've Ever Been Good Enough I'm Little Bit Rusty
Heyo! Hey, hey! today was normal. Normal. Normal. Alex always asks me if something excieting happened today, and I always say no. Nothing ever does. I looked at his cards this morning and was an absolute dork. Its like my tongue and brain don't work together when hes right there. I can't speak worth beans. I can talk to anyone, just not to him. It dosen't work. It'd be ok if he smiled or something, but he just sits there and dosen't say a thing. And only God knows what going through that head of his. Gabby said it was a spaz-twitch thing. She thinks its cute, I was like NON! It is NOT! I can't even look at him properly anymore because he knows!! ARG!
Talked to Torriea. I wanna try out for that british play thingie. Torriea can cook up and accent I know it. I found out that Michelle considers me a best friend. It was a complete shock. Just like BAM! I was stunned. But I'm glad. I consider her a close friend too. Gabby is right everyone does need a Gabby. Dont get caught without one, she says. I can't wait to meet her this summer.

When Dad and I were on the way to get pizza, we were taling and I found out that my Mom did some dishonest things to make the time we spend with her in the summer longer. On one point I don't blame her much, but then the other is upset at her dishonesty. I don't think I'll be going back. I would feel like I didn't finish what I had to do here. Like I gave up. Threw in the towel. Ya dig?
Sometimes I wish I could show people how I feel, let them feel it too. So they would understand. But I can't so I just have to let it pass. All this stuff...since way back in fifth grade...yea it was bad, it sucked, and hurts, and I hate it all, wish it never happened, but I'm better because of it all. My philosophy does that for me. I do it for me too ^_~. So I don't get dragged down, I can climb up. And if I go back, I'll just be down again, back, not where my new beginning is. This is my second chance, this place these people. Yea, sometimes it bugs me, and I hope Kelly will understand, but I have to be here. I'm not done.
Lately I'm afraid of whats going to happen when we grow up. Like Alex and MacKenzie. They are going to grow up and become adults and such. And will I ever see them again? Probably not. Like all of my Maine friends we're all going to grow up and scatter and what will all these years have mattered? And since this whole thing, like when I used to think of my greatest fear it was spiders or something. Now its that I'll be forgotten or I'll forget. I don't want to forget and let go. Life teaches us to clutch. I read that in A Ring of Endless Light. I forget what Adam says after that though. I shoudl read that again. But I desperatly don't want to be forgotten and to not matter.
I want to stay right here and now. But life'll go on, like Alex's hair getting longer, Michelle getting hers cut, the way Lyndsay's changed. And me too. I'll change. I'll learn and grow too. And be me. So I guess its all ok. But right now three years dosen't seem like very long.

Later Kiddies.

P.s. http://www.tothebatmobile.com is Gabby and mys site. Go see it!nwhen the scanner gets working We'll put up some of the least krappy stuff I've drawn.

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February 25th, 2003

08:24 pm - Dun Dun Dun Dun Can't Touch This!
In honor of my new icon, *points* I will write something. Umm, but it wont be much. I always think of tons of things, but I never write them.

Today in school we stayed in first period forever while they had a code red lockdown thing. Or so I thought. I found out from Andy that they really had people going around with dogs for an inspection sorta thing. It was confirmed by Page in fourth. We split-looks like I'ma write a buncha stuff..*shrugs*- the class into three sections (one for each chapter) and my group (Hannoush, Jennifer, Sirisha, Taylor, Cheng, Heather and Heather), have to teach the first section tomorrow. We have to do a little quiz thing for everyone too.

In Mr. Popos class we're doing this lab about centripidal (did I spell that right?)force and we have to swing rubber stoppers over our heads (Mr. Popo almost hit his own head a couple of times in demonstration)while the other end of the string is attached to washers or a little scale that measures the newtons. And I couldn't find my paper (I lose everything) and no one wrote down the results but me. I was mortified. I found it when I got home so thats ok.

Doing quadratic and radical stuff in algebra. I think I have the hang of that its not to hard.

Talked to ALex and Brett some more. I watched Jeopardy with Alex-dude. (kinda we were online and both watching it) I only got a couple of 'em. And Gabby gave me an Icon she made!!!!!!!! *points* Its beautiful! She made it!

Later kiddies!

Today's Quote:
"I just HAD to fall off the edge!"
-Robert Hay, while playing Mario Sunshine.

P.s. loosing my marbles...^__^ but its oki!
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: Unwell, Matchbox 20 and A Wink and a Smile, Harry Connick Jr

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